Natural consequences are natural teachers.

Play with fire and you’ll get burned. Lie with the dogs and wake up with fleas. Natural consequences have been a part of many of our metaphors and have gotten the attention of the gentle parenting movement. Which got us thinking… is it okay to let our kids learn the hard way? Natural consequences, as defined by Washington State’s online foster parent curriculum, “are those things that happen in response to your child's behavior without parental involvement. These are imposed by nature, society, or another person. You do not actually deliver a natural consequence yourself. Instead, you allow nature or society to impose the consequence on your child by not interfering.” Who hasn’t battled their toddler, preschooler, school-aged kid or teenager in the infamous coat struggle? It’s frustrating and a classic example used in the parenting conversations around natural consequences. So what can we do? Below are some ideas and language to use for each age group. Always keep in mind that the child’s safety and well-being takes priority over a lesson. It’s our role as caregivers to create a safe environment where the child can learn, be successful, and thrive. ‍

Toddlers: (18 months-2 years old):

‍If you’ve read our post on guided choices, you can probably guess where this one is going. At this stage of development, a child doesn’t necessarily have the tools to make decisions now for their future and there often isn’t much room for reasoning with a toddler. Finding a compromise or common ground can be a great place to start. “I hear that you don’t want to put your coat on. If you don’t want to put your coat on now, we will bring it with us. If your body is feeling cold at the park, you can put your coat on to stay warm.” Clearly explaining to the child the reason why the coat is needed and giving them an opportunity to make their own choice about putting it on allows the child to read their own body. The child has the opportunity to feel the natural consequence of being cold and the ability to self-correct by asking for the coat. Because they are so young, they may not have a full understanding of cause and effect. Allowing them to make decisions while supporting them at this stage is a great way to lay the foundation for natural consequences.

‍Preschoolers (3-6 years old):

‍At this stage, your child may already have an understanding of cold weather and how uncomfortable that can feel. However, they still may not be old enough to consider future consequences. Similar to the toddler stage, you may want to structure natural consequences in a guided-choice approach. Preschool-aged children will be more capable of managing their personal belongings and have more language skills to express their needs. We suggest giving the child a choice of putting the coat on, packing the coat in a bag, or tying it around their waist. Depending on your current expectations, some may choose to give the child the option of putting the coat on or being responsible for carrying the bag/coat themselves. In this structure, the child still has the opportunity to make a choice about putting the coat on, can experience the discomfort of the cold, but also has the resources to self-correct in the environment.

‍School-aged (7-11 years old):

‍As children gain more experience, independence, responsibility, and agency, the caretaker can allow for truer natural consequences. At this age if a child refuses to wear a coat, allow the child to make that choice. You can calmly and gently remind the child of a time they felt cold or ask them to step outside for a moment so they know how it feels. If the child still refuses the coat, allow them to make that choice. Be very clear that if they do not bring a coat, they do not have a back up. Always be clear with the child and lay out the potential consequences before the decision is made. If the child gets cold at the park and does not have their coat, it may result in an uncomfortable or altogether shorter play time.

‍Teenagers (12+):

‍In this example, simply giving the child facts and potential consequences are sufficient. Allow for the child to make their decision and fully embrace any consequences. It can be hard as a caretaker to watch our children be uncomfortable. It’s extremely tempting for us to swoop in with a coat in hand to save the day. However, though solving the issue of being cold, when we do not allow our children to experience natural consequences, we do not allow them to take responsibility and agency in their lives. Repeated rescuing can result in codependency and lack of independent planning in adulthood. Natural consequences can build independence, logical and causation thinking, planning skills, and long-term problem-solving, all of which most of us will agree are positive attributes that can be utilized through life. It can be tempting to want to rescue your child or shield them from the consequences of their action (e.g. being cold because they don’t have a coat). Natural consequences can also steer children away from codependency and low-self esteem. Allowing these types of natural consequences can be just as difficult for the adult as it can be for the child. It can be difficult to leave the park early if your child is cold and no caretaker wants to see their child shivering on the playground. Keep in mind, like most things kid (and human) related, there is a time and a place for everything and methods that work for some children don’t for others. Stay open-minded, find what works best for you and your kiddo (even if it’s not the same at every stage), and remember you’re on the same team.

Written by: Kristin Sarmiento Geary

Edited by: Austin Macfarlane